Have you ever wondered ?

Approaching my 40th birthday this year, I have become strangely obsessed with certain things I have always found odd.

Spending long hours on motorways usually late at night/ early morning, the brain has an amazing tendency to run wild. In fact, mine is often a cascading torrent of mainly useless pondering.

These free thinking ponderous "drive moments" very often evaporate into the air - rather like the foul smelling gas I'm producing since eating my second Buffet bar, previously purchased at a random overpriced motorway service stop. However, sometimes - although rarely - these drives can create incredible lucidity.

In these moments the secrets of the universe seem to unfold simply before me, there is nothing I cannot grasp or understand.

Quantum Physics are as obvious to me as a Jimmy Tarbuck punchline, Hawking's theory of everything is as complicated as the instructions on the back of a "Rustlers, 80 seconds till tasty" quarter-pound nuclear burger (n.b. purchased at same time as afore mentioned Buffet bar).

The complexity of Nuclear physics is on a par in difficulty at these times to running yourself a bubble bath (always with Matey of course) so why, oh why, is it that things as enormous as these pail into insignificance with the stupid thoughts my brain will not allow me to understand.

Therefore I have compiled a list of just some of these questions I struggle with. As follows:

1. Why do doctors ask you to get changed behind the screen even though in my case and I'm sure many others he's had occasion to put a finger in my anus, we have no secrets so why the screen for the undressing.
2. Why does a freshly opened packet of salted peanuts smell like someone has farted in the bag prior to sealing.
3. Why in the 70's did no one question Eric and Ernie's bed sharing.
4. Why when I'm hungry at home and I know the fridge is empty do I keep going back and looking in it.
5. If there was an Islamic space shuttle pilot and he was orbiting earth which way would he face to pray.
6. Oasis... why?
7. How come teachers are the only people on earth who don't find farting clever and eternally funny .
8. How come no matter how many times you have a Pot Noodle and are reminded how crap they are do we always forget and in a few months and end up buying another.
9. Why if we are supposed to be fully metric are our road signs still using miles.
10. Bono... whats that all about?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots bother wearing goggles,helmet, and flame retardant jump suits

Please add some of your own ,or if you have any answers for me respond below.
Regards, a very puzzled Big Dog.

Starting off on the wrong foot

Well it finally happened. After seven years of introducing the Bride and Groom onto the dance floor for their first dance, Dave got a name wrong. In this case, the misdemeanour was to call the groom James instead of Justin. So please, watch out for it on youtube.com, with angles from three different cameras all primed and recording the momentus events, hmm. Naturally, a hasty apology ensued and the sharp intakes of breath from the guests turned into laughter as the happy couple stepped out.

Could've been worse, at least it wasn't the name of the bride he forgot!

Rox apologised for Dave's mistake as the band launched into the first set. But by that time, it was pretty much forgotten - which was a shame as Rox immediately reminded them of it again - ha, ha. Anyway, with the dance floor packed and the Bride and Groom smiling and starting into each others eyes, the party got started. Importantly though, it highlights that things do go wrong. And sometimes all you can do is laugh and get on with it...

Did I mention the band were playing at The Old Kent Barn, Swingfield in Kent? They have a lovely barn for the day's more formal events, whilst the actual evening entertainment itself is in a marquee set to one side of the barn.

The venue also has a rather aggressive noise limiter.

As a band, The Love Junkies are used to noise limiters - most aren't a problem. If you don't know, noise limiters are designed to cut out the band's equipment if they go above a certain level - dead, as in no music for up to 30s (until the power reset kicks in). Although they are a professional hazard and go with the turf. If you ask honestly, the band would always rather play without them. "The Love Junkies aren't one of the louder bands around anyway, but for us playing to a badly configured noise limiter is akin to being on a musical leash" says Dave. "Though we do take the issue of noise pollution seriously, when noise limiters are set too low, you get a tetchy band who instead of enjoying the evening are looking at a box of lights on a wall and adjusting their instrumentation levels to try and stop it from cutting their power and spoiling the show".

However, the band are constantly amazed as to how random they are in their set-up. At the Old Kent Barn the limiter is set to a low 85db. The average encountered is around 90db. "The lowest one we play at on a regular basis is at Cambridge Cottage at 80db, however we get along with it fine. It all comes down to frequencies and configuration again" says Dave.

To add complexity though, one venues 90db meter is not the same as another's 90db limiter. Some are set to respond to the very harshest frequencies, i.e. mid range, whereas others respond to the bass/ low end frequencies. The problem is, until the band actually turn up and do a soundcheck with the limiter they can't work out which frequencies to EQ out so that they can get the maximum volume at the venue. And by maximum volume they don't mean the best volume for the band, they mean squeezing the most out of the compromised (leashed/limited) volume so that the show is as good as possible.

When new venues ask if we're okay with playing to a sound limiter, we have to be honest and say that it "depends". "It doesn't really mean much to us if they say it's a 90db, 80db or whatever because there are so many other factors involved in setting the things off. Our approach is to explain that we have to have a longer soundcheck, and we will contact the bride and groom or booking agents to explain the position. We are not rocking the boat here, we are being professional and covering our own reputation."

And as for the gig? Honestly, the band's feelings were that the 85db limiter at the Old Kent Barn is a difficult noise limiter to play with. However, they managed to get through the night only setting it off twice. Both of these times they were able to cover up and continue without any real break in the proceedings, plus laugh it off with the audience. And the couple who booked the band? They were really pleased and that's the bottom line.

What was really useful to The Love Junkies, was the very helpful member of OKB staff who kept looking in on us and tutting as we triggered the amber lights of the limiter, shaking his head and then attempting to explain to us what a noise limiter was and how it works. Rox, very tactfully and professionally gave him the short shrift he deserved. The band do not like being treated like naughty schoolkids when they are trying to give their all for a performance. Grrrr.

'nuff said. Anyway, noise limiters are really another topic, and Marcus could go on about them until the cows come home, but that's for another article. Perhaps something a bit more technical, eh Marcus?

Good to see the return of the chocolate fountain. Haven't seen many of them this year. Nice people at The Chocolate Volcano (and that topic really is reserved for another post).

'depping, we're 'depping, we wanna 'dep it wit ya

'dep: short for Deputy, a person who steps in to take over a role or deputises for an absent or sick member.

Every now and again, for whatever reason, there's an LJ band member who just can't make the gig. It's not a big issue. It's not the end of the world. We don't go out crying into the street, with our fists raised to the sky screaming, why, why, damn you!!? Nah. As we're a seasoned, professional sort of band, we don't let it faze us. We just contact the 'dep, book 'em up and look forward to a post gig catch-up.

Photo: Outside Cambridge Cottage, clockwise The Love Junkies, Dave, Rox, Andee and Chris.

You see, every member of the band has got a 'dep. In fact we have enough 'deps so that the 'deps could go out and be a band of 'deps also. This is not actually something we ever do, but it is comforting to know. Why? Well, it means that we can fulfil all our commitments, and have contingency just in case of emergencies. A sort of plan B, C and D as this is a question clients ask us from time to time, i.e. "what happens if a band member can't make it or is sick?"

Saturday's gig at Cambridge Cottage (Aug 7) was unusual. There are very few gigs that Marcus the drummer can't do. Very few. However, every now and again (and usually around this time of year) his sound engineering skills are called on for Broadstairs folk week.

Enter Chris.

Chris is our regular bass player, however he also 'deps guitar and now... drum roll please... er, drums. This is only the second time Chris has 'depped drums in the band. Not to worry. He is such an accomplished pro, you wouldn't even notice. Plus, as I mentioned Marcus is off so infrequently that he doesn't get the chance that often.

I mean, the guy's a multi talented instrumentalist, in fact so much so that he makes us all a bit sick. After all there's only so much talent you can take... though he's very modest about it all. Watch out though Rox, he'll be after your vocal duties next.

So with Chris 'depping on drums, his normal bass role was taken by our regular bass 'dep, Andee Price. So in effect, we went out with 2 'deps but 3 out of the 4 regular members. Confused? Well, happily we weren't. And did the Bride and Groom notice? No. In fact the compliments kept coming after the night was done.

So, on behalf of the band though, well done Chris. Nicely done.